How to write a best man speech by watching one get written
No rules list. We're going to write Jake's speech for his best friend's wedding, start to finish, and you'll take the method rather than the words.
Step 1 of 6
Pick one story, cut the rest
Jake has known Ben for thirteen years, so he had plenty of stories. He wrote down six. Five had to go. If you're the groom's brother, the test is the same: pick the story only you were there for.
Your turn: call keep or cut on each one, then see what Jake did.
- The bachelor weekend in Vegas
- The girlfriend he had junior year
- Why the lacrosse team called him “Beast”
- Four years of “Jake, you awake?” from the bottom bunk
- “He's like a brother to me”
- The time he drove six hours when my car broke down
For your speech
Could anyone else at the wedding tell this story? If yes, cut it. One story only you can tell beats five that anyone could.
Jake
The Vegas story was my favorite. Then I pictured Hannah's grandmother listening to it, and it went.
Step 2 of 6
Open with the story, then say how you met
The first thing guests wonder when the best man stands up is who this guy is. Jake answers it in his second line. His first line starts the story. Read his first attempt before you see the fix. You have probably written it too.
Jake's first draft
For those of you who don't know me, I'm Jake, the better-looking one. Ben and I go way back, so buckle up, this could take a while.
What he said instead
For four years, I slept four feet above Ben. Most nights, he was still talking. I'm Jake. We met on move-in day, freshman year, when he looked at the bunk bed, looked at me, and said, “You're taller. You're on top.”
For your speech
Start with something that happened. Put your name inside how you met.
Why it works for Jake
The first line is already the story, so nobody sits through a warm-up. “Four feet above Ben” puts the room in a bunk bed before Jake has said a word about himself. The name arrives after that, inside how they met, which answers “who is this guy?” in one sentence. And “buckle up, this could take a while” tells the room to settle in for a long one, which is the last thing anyone wants to hear from the person holding the microphone.
Jake
The “better-looking one” line felt safe because everyone uses it. That was the problem.
Quick check
Which one would Jake keep?
Pick an answer to see why.
Jake’s draft so far
0:25 of 2:20 spoken
For four years, I slept four feet above Ben. Most nights, he was still talking.
I'm Jake. We met on move-in day, freshman year, when he looked at the bunk bed, looked at me, and said, “You're taller. You're on top.” That was the whole negotiation.
Step 3 of 6
Tell the story in under a minute
Jake's first full draft ran 1,100 words, about eight minutes out loud. Five minutes is the most a room will give you, and that's around 650 words spoken. Treat that as a ceiling. Time it by reading it aloud, because talking is slower than reading in your head. Most of Jake's cuts came from this one story, and he finished well under the limit.
The whole memory
So freshman year we had these bunk beds, and Ben would never go to sleep, he'd always ask me stuff like random questions, some of them were honestly pretty funny, and I'd tell him to shut up, and this went on for basically all four years, and actually the RA once came and knocked on our door because of it.
What made the speech
Lights out, room dark, and then, from below: “Jake. You awake?” Every night. And it was never a small question. “If a shark fought a bear, in two feet of water, who wins?” One night, at two in the morning: “Jake, you awake? Do you think I'll be a good dad?” I said yes. He said, “Cool,” and was asleep in about four seconds. I lay there for an hour.
For your speech
Keep the scene, one detail, and the point. Cut every other sentence.
Why it works for Jake
“Random questions” became one real question the room can hear. The shark and the bear get the laugh, so the second question lands harder when it isn't a joke. The RA and the “shut up” are gone. They were true, but they were background. The last line is six words. It's as close as Jake gets to saying how that question made him feel: he just says how long he stayed awake.
Jake
I had nine of Ben's questions in there. I kept the one that makes people laugh and the one that doesn't.
Jake’s draft so far
1:05 of 2:20 spoken
For four years, I slept four feet above Ben. Most nights, he was still talking.
I'm Jake. We met on move-in day, freshman year, when he looked at the bunk bed, looked at me, and said, “You're taller. You're on top.” That was the whole negotiation.
Lights out, room dark, and then, from below: “Jake. You awake?” Every night. And it was never a small question. “If a shark fought a bear, in two feet of water, who wins?”
One night, at two in the morning: “Jake, you awake? Do you think I'll be a good dad?” I said yes. He said, “Cool,” and was asleep in about four seconds.
I lay there for an hour.
Step 4 of 6
Tease him without roasting him
Everyone expects the best man to be funny, and this is where most speeches go wrong. The joke that makes the groom want to disappear gets a laugh from his friends and silence from everyone else. Jake teases Ben about something Ben would happily admit to, and uses it to set up Hannah.
The roast
Ben has never been great with women. Freshman year he struck out so often we kept score on the whiteboard. Hannah, honestly, we're all a little surprised.
The tease
That's Ben. He can't stand a quiet room, so he fills it. With questions, with plans, with a forty-minute voice memo about a sandwich. In thirteen years, I have never once seen him sit still and say nothing.
For your speech
Tease him about something he'd admit to. Never about his exes, and never at her expense.
Why it works for Jake
The roast is about his past, and the tease is about who he is. The whiteboard joke brings up other women and makes Hannah the punchline. The voice memo is about a habit Ben would laugh at himself, and “never once seen him sit still” is a setup: the speech needs it to be true for one more minute.
Jake
My test for every joke: would Ben tell this one about himself? If he'd wince, I cut it.
Quick check
Which one would Jake keep?
Pick an answer to see why.
Jake’s draft so far
1:25 of 2:20 spoken
For four years, I slept four feet above Ben. Most nights, he was still talking.
I'm Jake. We met on move-in day, freshman year, when he looked at the bunk bed, looked at me, and said, “You're taller. You're on top.” That was the whole negotiation.
Lights out, room dark, and then, from below: “Jake. You awake?” Every night. And it was never a small question. “If a shark fought a bear, in two feet of water, who wins?”
One night, at two in the morning: “Jake, you awake? Do you think I'll be a good dad?” I said yes. He said, “Cool,” and was asleep in about four seconds.
I lay there for an hour.
That's Ben. He can't stand a quiet room, so he fills it. With questions, with plans, with a forty-minute voice memo about a sandwich. In thirteen years, I have never once seen him sit still and say nothing.
Step 5 of 6
Turn to the bride
This is the part most best man speeches skip. A line about her at the end, “welcome to the family,” and straight to the toast. Jake gives Hannah her own part, as long as the bunk bed story, and like everything else in the speech, it's something he saw.
The usual line
And of course Hannah, you're amazing, you're way out of his league, and we're all so happy to welcome you to the family.
Something he saw
Until last spring. Hannah, I came by your place, and the two of you were out on the porch. I sat with you for twenty minutes. We barely said a word. Ben was just sitting there next to you, completely quiet, looking like the calmest man in New Jersey. I actually checked he was breathing. Hannah, with you, he doesn't have to fill the silence. That's how we all knew.
For your speech
Give her more than one line. Tell the room something you saw change in him.
Why it works for Jake
One habit does three jobs in this speech. Ben's talking starts as the joke (the shark and the bear), turns into the one honest moment (“Do you think I'll be a good dad?”), and pays off here: with Hannah, he can stop. Nobody has to be told she's good for him. The room watches it happen. And “way out of his league” sounds like a compliment to her, but it's a joke about Ben, and it makes her sound like a prize he somehow won.
Jake
I texted her sister for ideas. All three of her stories were about how calm Hannah is. That's what made me remember the porch.
Jake’s draft so far
2:04 of 2:20 spoken
For four years, I slept four feet above Ben. Most nights, he was still talking.
I'm Jake. We met on move-in day, freshman year, when he looked at the bunk bed, looked at me, and said, “You're taller. You're on top.” That was the whole negotiation.
Lights out, room dark, and then, from below: “Jake. You awake?” Every night. And it was never a small question. “If a shark fought a bear, in two feet of water, who wins?”
One night, at two in the morning: “Jake, you awake? Do you think I'll be a good dad?” I said yes. He said, “Cool,” and was asleep in about four seconds.
I lay there for an hour.
That's Ben. He can't stand a quiet room, so he fills it. With questions, with plans, with a forty-minute voice memo about a sandwich. In thirteen years, I have never once seen him sit still and say nothing.
Until last spring. Hannah, I came by your place, and the two of you were out on the porch. I sat with you for twenty minutes. We barely said a word. Ben was just sitting there next to you, completely quiet, looking like the calmest man in New Jersey. I actually checked he was breathing.
Hannah, with you, he doesn't have to fill the silence. That's how we all knew.
Step 6 of 6
End on the toast
Two lines, glasses up, sit down. The toast is the part of your speech people remember best, so bring the story back instead of summing it up.
The summary ending
So please raise your glasses to Ben and Hannah. May your life together be full of love, laughter and happiness. Cheers!
How he landed it
So, glasses up, everyone. To Hannah, who now gets asked “you awake?” at one in the morning. And to Ben, who finally found someone who's glad to answer.
For your speech
End on something from your own story, not on a wish.
Why it works for Jake
The toast is the bunk bed one last time. For four years the question from the bottom bunk went to someone who wanted to sleep. Now it goes to someone who wants to hear it. Nobody has to explain that. The room has heard the story and makes the connection.
Jake
I had a line about their future in here. It sounded like a greeting card, so I cut it.
Jake’s speech, start to finish
Every line from the six steps, in one piece. This is what he read at the wedding.
Jake’s Speech
Spoken time 2:20
For four years, I slept four feet above Ben. Most nights, he was still talking. laugh
I'm Jake. We met on move-in day, freshman year, when he looked at the bunk bed, looked at me, and said, “You're taller. You're on top.” That was the whole negotiation.
Lights out, room dark, and then, from below: “Jake. You awake?” Every night. And it was never a small question. “If a shark fought a bear, in two feet of water, who wins?” laugh
One night, at two in the morning: “Jake, you awake? Do you think I'll be a good dad?” I said yes. He said, “Cool,” and was asleep in about four seconds.
pause I lay there for an hour.
That's Ben. He can't stand a quiet room, so he fills it. With questions, with plans, with a forty-minute voice memo about a sandwich. In thirteen years, I have never once seen him sit still and say nothing.
look up Until last spring. Hannah, I came by your place, and the two of you were out on the porch. I sat with you for twenty minutes. We barely said a word. Ben was just sitting there next to you, completely quiet, looking like the calmest man in New Jersey. I actually checked he was breathing. laugh
Hannah, with you, he doesn't have to fill the silence. That's how we all knew.
glasses up So, glasses up, everyone. To Hannah, who now gets asked “you awake?” at one in the morning. And to Ben, who finally found someone who's glad to answer.
Four things Jake cut on purpose
Check your draft for these four. Next to each one is what he did instead.
Cut this: Bachelor party stories
“What happens in Vegas… well, Ben knows.”
Instead: Tell a story the whole room can picture.
“Lights out, room dark, and then, from below: ‘Jake. You awake?’”
Cut this: Exes
“Ben's dated a lot of people. Hannah, you're the best of them.”
Instead: Leave the past out, even as a compliment.
“Hannah, with you, he doesn't have to fill the silence.”
Cut this: Nicknames nobody gets
“To the Beast. The lacrosse guys know.”
Instead: If his great-aunt wouldn't get it, cut it.
“If a shark fought a bear, in two feet of water, who wins?”
Cut this: Jokes from the internet
“Marriage is a three-ring circus…”
Instead: Use a line only you could have written.
“A forty-minute voice memo about a sandwich.”
On the day: what Jake did at the mic
Writing it is half the job. Here is the other half.
Don't: A few drinks to calm the nerves
Instead: Drink after, not before.
One drink with dinner is fine. After that, the timing goes, and the jokes you cut start coming back.
Don't: Reading it off your phone
Instead: Cards, not a phone.
The videographer is filming. A phone locks, lights up with texts, and keeps your eyes on your hand.
Don't: Letting the mic sink to your chest
Instead: Keep the mic at your chin.
Hold it a few inches from your mouth, and keep it there when you look down at your cards. At chest height, the back tables hear nothing.
Don't: Talking over the laugh
Instead: Wait for the laugh to finish.
laughIf you keep going, people stop laughing so they can hear you. Let it die down, then say the next line.
Don't: Forgetting the rest of the job
Instead: Ask the couple what's yours.
Find out when you speak and whether they want you to lead the last toast of the night. At an American wedding, the best man usually speaks right after the father of the bride. At a British one, he speaks last, replies for the bridesmaids, and reads out messages from guests who couldn't come.
Jake's speech took three weeks. Yours takes three minutes.
The writer asks how you know the groom, for one real story, and what the two of them are like together, then drafts the speech for you. Free.
Write my best man speech
